It began to dawn on me, the innocence of my heart.

I was biking home from a date with a woman. It was sweet. Surprising. Confronting. I’d fallen for something in her. And then I’d got a little burned. More than my rational mind said was appropriate.

“Dude. C’mon You don’t even know her. You’re overreacting here. Wtf?”

But it hurt. My heart ached. I felt foolish.

From somewhere inside, a breath came. A moment. I smiled inside and gave myself a dose of self-administered love serum. I relaxed. And then another voice spoke to me.

“This is your super-power Ewan. You’re pure. You never doubted you were loved. Your parents wanted you so deeply. They had a lot of fun conceiving you. You have an innocent heart; you just love people. It’s powerful. And it’s also your greatest challenge.”

I watch the cheesiest shit on TV and start quietly blubbering.

I listen to a particular song, and my whole chest creaks and tingles and I remember times when I felt the way the song feels.

I fall for women before I even really know them, and my heart opens, and they receive me, and sometimes I don’t notice that I’m about to get hurt. And maybe they are too.

So I want to speak about the heart. My heart. Our heart. The most beautiful thing God ever created. It has one simple mechanism, the eternal mechanism.

To open. Or not.

The heart is the centre

The place where heaven and earth meet. The only place we feel the beauty of separation and intimacy.

And behind it all – the elusive primal memory that we’re not mortal. We come from on high, angels fallen. Not because we turned dark, but because here in this human life we find the only place where we connect with one another. We meet because meeting is gifted to us through our agonous separation.

This is the only place where we can taste and live life. It’s different up there. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is separate, nothing is together.

But you and I sweetheart, we are mortal. We will die. We know it, and it is that urgency that drives us toward our own realization.

“Your heart is the centre young one. That is where mortality and divinity meet. It is where your true nature is held.

And it will break. A thousand times before it finally opens. It may take you a thousand lifetimes. It may have already taken more.

But this is why you chose to come here. Why you chose your parents; you chose this life. Because it is the most precious gift that can ever be given.

To love, to hurt, to merge, to break-apart, to entwine in something never before felt.”

I’m sorry I wasn’t there more

It hurts. I can’t help but open to her. She’s so beautiful, and unique, and soft, and loving. She beckons to me, like the mother I never had. I want to go to her. Love her. I want to suck at her nipple, and feel safe. Hold her in my arms and tell her everything’s going to be ok.

And it hurts when she leaves me. When I’m all alone. And I return to the doubt. Maybe I’m not lovable. Maybe it was a mistake, and I have to be alone now.

I miss her. It was the most powerful 3 years of my life. She changed me. And I’ll love her forever, she who captured my heart. A woman so beautiful, I still cry when I picture her and all we shared.

I’m sorry dearest, that it had to end like this. But didn’t we have fun? Wasn’t it beautiful?

And all the women I was with before her, and the ones who stand before me now. A harem of sacred women, who have taught me that which I could never know. And loved me in places I dare not see.

Thank you. With everything I have.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t there more.

Yet, He knows this is the most wondrous of gifts

“This is what you asked for my boy.”

“Yes. I know. I prayed for it. The trial of the heart. And yet I squirm and whine. Because it’s hard. And I have to reveal myself, and sometimes I’d rather be in bed, with the covers over my chin.”

“And isn’t that the innocent dignity that all of you have? To be scared of what you dare not fully love. Isn’t it the most wonderful of gifts? To be in human form, with the unique invitation to feel another. To make love with another. To unify the two hearts of God, into this one Heart.

“Do you miss it J? Being here?”

“No. Because I am It. I am You. I am Here. There’s nothing to miss.

And yes, I miss it. I miss the taste of Mary on my lips. Her Being entwining me in the love I never imagined could exist. She says she doesn’t mind that her story was lost and horribly twisted. But I feel so sad that people have forgotten that it was Our Love that changed the world.”

“I think we’re realizing that now J. I think those of us who are treading the path you marked for us can feel that. This is not the solo path. This is the relational path, con-joined love. Divine partnership.”

“Thank you youngster. My heart is opened by your words. And I’m so proud of you. Never forget that I love you.”

“I do forget. I’m sorry J.”

“I know. And you are always already forgiven my love.”

Never stop your heart

I know he feels what I feel, more than I do. He feels it all, and that’s why I love him. Because his anger is given without agenda. And his devotion is given without condition.

He sees the future, he is the future. And he’s chosen me, like he’s chosen you, as the disciples of a very different world. Not one of his making. One of Our making.

I love you.

I don’t know you, but I love you.

Even though I’m afraid to really tell you, I do. I love you. You, who are reading these very words. For you show me how beautiful we really are.

Never stop.

And I’ll promise the same.

Let us open one another, like a Heart cracked by the fingers of God.

 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ewan Townhead

I hope you enjoyed the article. If you're interested further in my work, you can find out more about me here, and my coaching here.

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    It is very special to read a piece like this, written about the delicacy of the heart, by a man. Once again you show courage in your vulnerability Ewan, thank you.

    Reply
    • Ewan

      Thank you Natalie. x

      Reply

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